My Faith has been getting stirred up. I am in a position of transition now and I am thrown for a loop. I have never committed to anything 100% percent in my life. It wasn't until recently, and I mean maybe 1 and a half years recently, that I have been adjusting that. And on the front line I am trying to place my commitment to my faith in Jesus.
I look at my life until this point sometimes and realize the majority of it was me walking paths that I thought were fit. I chased things that made me comfortable, or things that helped me fit in. My job has been guided by social acceptance for almost 6 years. Last year I came to this understanding. My whole outlook at what I do and why I do it has changed a lot. My relationships with woman were never up to any standard. They were more like whatever it is that is between friends and a relationship without calling it anything. I had the desire to want them, the desire to love them. But my actions never matched on a consistent level.
Somewhere around 8 or 9 years ago, while I was living in the south, I came to find myself headed into the church. Not by my personal decision of wanting to be there. I was more or less going there because the person I was with wanted to go with their family so I joined. Little did I know the works that were about to be done in me. Fast forward this scene about 6-8 months or so, of steady attendance, and listening, and you find me standing up in front of the church body with a fair amount of others, crying my eyes out and not knowing why. I wasn't really thinking of anything except that I wanted change, and I needed it, and the offer was set there for me to accept it. So I did. I let my voice be moved by whatever it was that was inside me and not be moved from my brains stand point. I accepted Jesus and His sacrifice for me.
But I cannot say that was the ultimate change around. Although I accepted my new renewed way of living. I had to educate myself on it. I never grew up in a church. Nor did I care to before that point. So for the next 4 years it was an up and down and back and forth process of studying and understanding and trying to figure out what it was I needed too do. Through it all, I still, NEVER gave in 100%. I studied on my time, I prayed on my time, I thanked him on my time. Half hearted, and half witted. Ignorance at best.
I ran through a 2 year backslide after that. I slowly became an alcoholic again, and a womanizer, and an all around jerk. In the beginning of my downfall, it was hard inside. The guilt of knowing what I was doing was not what was expected of me was hard. Physically sickening. Seriously. But as I pushed away from Jesus and more to what I wanted to do too fit in, it got easier you could say. At least it seemed that way.
Then I met someone, who like me, was on her way out of a sort of relationship and just doing whatever. We talked here and there online. Then our online turned to phone calls. Then in no time we had met in person, spent some time together and decided, Let's move in, move away, and start something new. So we did. We packed up, found a place, moved in. Had a lil boy, started some businesses, and aimed to create a family atmosphere to surround ourselves in. And for the most part, it was working.
All of this time, minus a few conversations here and there, my Faith was remotely stagnant. I would talk about it when prompted but never really was moved too. Never really prayed. Never read or studied. Never really did much but chase what I thought I needed to survive and succeed. I had some awesome opportunities open at times when I was in position to rise up. I was given a lot of responsibly both at work and at home, and I failed. Terribly. I made great money, I was able to buy whatever we needed almost whenever. We were for the most part doing well. Then, reality hits.
I based all of my life decisions on what it was I was doing. I never once gave God what is due to Him. I was not living a life that matched my testimony, let alone matched what it is that is expected of me.
Fast forward through the failures that almost destroyed EVERYTHING. As well as the recovery process. (Read about that HERE .) I find myself standing side by side with this wonderfully strong woman! She has been so much support and love for me. I have a son who is so awesome I cannot even write it all down. I have two successful businesses we both run. I have a family that rolls almost 100 deep, and I can count on them just about anytime I would need them as they would need me. My personal business and arts are slowly dragging its way out of the mud. Our network is building as are our connections. And all of this is absolutely related to my God.
8 years ago or so, I left my old self on an alter in Georgia, and I told Jesus I wanted the life He had for me, and I was going to do my best to live for Him from that day on. Guess what, I lied! I didn't know I lied, but I understand that now. And it may not have so much been a lie, as it may have been and weak promise. Today, I am more free feeling than I have been ever. I have found some professional council that helps me both with addictive habits as well as faith based truths and life. I re-declared to God in front of a family of close to 500 plus, that I would live for Him, on the day I was Baptized. I was also blessed to share that moment with the woman I love! I love reading His scriptures. I love learning more about the awesome things He has done for us throughout time. I am now learning to commit to the things He has given me, instead of figuring out what I believe is best, and running with that.
I look back sometimes and see a lot of the opportunity in my life where I could have made the decision to choose Him over me, and so much more Life would have taken place. I see now, He has blessed me so much. Everything I have that I love is because of Him. And I do not deserve any of it. I have been terrible at portraying the person He expects me to be.
The name Jesus has power. Say it anywhere and someone will react. May be bad, may be good, sometimes it's indifferent. So repeat it. Just the name, JESUS. There is power in it because that was the design. One name, to rule, above all other names ever thought of, or created. Say any name there is in a crowd, and none of them will ever compare to the reactive power of Jesus.
I accepted Him, and His love for me because I was out of options. I thought I controlled my environments, I controlled my lifeline, I controlled my outcomes. In reality, the only thing I control is my decision. And if I am fully committed to this Faith, to this Life, that decision should already be made every time. I choose Him. We are not an accident. We are not born of monkeys. We are not evolution fish. We are creatures that are designed specifically, and formed by an Artist. This world, is not an accident. It didn't just happen. It is not an finite number of happy accidents. Everything around us is designed individually, and designed to work together. It doesn't just happen.
Look around. Take things apart. Look deeper than the surface and see. This world was created for us. And all we have done since is destroy it. Ignore the designer. Tell Him that we have a better plan. Then we live selfishly, and with greed. And we destroy.
That is not what He is about. That is no what I am about. Because He lives through me, every time I surrender myself and my agenda. That is the hardest part. Surrender . . . But when you finally understand Love and Grace, and how it works, You chase it, and do your best to give into it always. So that we may be forever connected, and He can be seen through us.
My Faith is being stirred up, because I asked Jesus to guide me, and to teach me to be fearless, and in that awakening, my body fights back. But I have to press on, and aim for 100% always, so that His love can be seen, heard, felt and experienced by everyone, everywhere, forever. AMEN.
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