A Letter,

I wrote this a few years ago. I'm trying to stay true to it again . . .



I awoke to the sun shining in my window, and the feeling of warm air coming through the pane of glass that was in its way. The air smelt more fresh than days before. The pains in my mind were lifted and the heart ache seemed to flat line. This was a good morning. what was different? You were different! Your were here. You were in my head, in my heart, in my every thought. You were with me all this time and yet never were noticed. Was it because I never paid attention? Was it because I did not want to see you? Was it because I was distracted? Regardless I have seen you again, and I want to hold you in my sights.

I was emotionally drained when I awoke, but I trekked on in search for you inside me, somewhere around me. As I began to write down on the page my mind went blank, a silent nothing stopped me, thoughts of the pain rise up in my heart. I wrote on, spilling emotion on to the page and not stopping to punctuate. One long thought training into another until i thought no more. I dropped the pen and shut the notebook and began to cry. Why did I cry? Why was I so worked up? I awoke alive and yet felt now like I am dying. The tears came out and carried with them guilt and pain, hurt and disgust, loss and defeat. The sun gave me hope, the smile gave me hope, your voice gave me hope. So quiet but yet it pierced like the two edged sword I have heard about. But did I retain what you said or even hear it?

I jumped in the car and took off into the day. As I passed through the town and through the farmland I pondered a thought. How about a letter, a love letter, but why? How would I go about it? I think I would begin with a hello, I thought of you as I woke. Then I would begin to explain the feelings I had, joy, peace, a calm new beginning to the day. Like a burst of air held me for a moment. Was this a gift from you or was it my mind playing tricks on my heart? Regardless I would continue on to let you know were I stood. I would tell you how great it feels to see your work everyday, to hear your words everyday, to know you love me everyday, to know you miss me when I am not by your side, right where you would have me.

I would begin to tell you the extent of me. How I would do what I knew and what I could to make you smile, to make you see that I am in love and want to bring glory to your name. That I want to please you, that I want to be in your life and have you in mine. Yet I step back and wonder if this is something I will follow up on. Would I do it, or just say it? Would I let you down? But then I remember your forgiveness and your faith in me. To know that no matter what you promised you would not leave me and I promise I will not leave you. Its been a while since I have felt this way. My heart jumps inside my chest with this new feeling. Has it come from you? or have I created something myself?

If i had to walk to the other side of the state to do something for you, I would. If death were at my door, I would hold firm to you and your name. I would picture your face, and how you smile upon me like your father smiled upon you, the day you were born. This would be my letter, my devotional promise to you. I will be there even when times get hard. When I am sick I will still do as you ask, when you are quiet, I will still speak with love, when you want me close I will move to you. when I mess up, I will ask for your forgiveness and make things better. I will do what I know as well as I know. I will fail, I will succeed, I will stumble, but I will be yours and you will be mine. forever. with love . . .

*This is a promise of love, that is more than heart felt. Its love that I desire, one that will never end no matter what the circumstances. UN-conditional love, that so few in this life can give and receive as well. I have found it in you, have you found it in me? He has found it in us, have we accepted it from Him?